Peyton Manning Will Not be Going There

In one of the worst kept NFL secrets over the last six weeks, Peyton Manning has finally been released by the Indianapolis Colts after 14 years (well thirteen if you consider he didn't suit up in 2011).  Jim Irsay must need some more material to tweet about.  And Rick Mirer is somewhere shaking his head at the possibilities.  So now what for Manning?  Will Manning go to the Jets where his former OC Tom Moore currently holds down a job?  Will he go to Miami, close to his off-season home?  All I know is that wherever he goes the "winning" team will have retained a broken 36 year old quarterback who still can't throw the football with any velocity.  Or as I like to call him, Matt Hasselback.

Could they be playing together next year?

But the rumors are flying everywhere.  In addition to the Jets and the Dolphins, we have reports that teams like the Seahawks, Titans, Broncos, Redskins and Cardinals all lining up to take a chance on him.  It's easier to name the teams that don't need his services, actually.

Patriots.  Come on, we have Tom Brady.  After thinking about it, though, I hope Manning goes to the Jets just so our young speedy defense can whip his sad, slow butt two times a year.  Definitely not.

Steelers.  Unless Big Ben spends some time in jail, and that is still a possibility with this jackass, Manning will not be spending anytime in the Steel City.  Probably not.

Chargers.  What has Philip Rivers done for this team, exactly?  Why do the Chargers always seem to get decent quarterbacks who fail to win anything of consequence (Dan Fouts, Philip Rivers), or are just plain fat, stupid and unathletic (Ryan Leaf)?  Everyone blames Norv Turner, and it's easy to make the head coach a scape goat, but has Rivers EVER led the Chargers on 2 minute drill to win a game...ever?  This is a shaky probably not.

Giants.  Although it would finally answer the question of which Manning brother is more valuable, I doubt Mara and Coughlin would dump one Manning just to get an older broken version of the same thing, and although Eli is kind of a twit - or half wit, your choice - the Giants aren't switching.  Definitely not.

Packers.  Aaron Rodgers will continue to wear his Championship belt, no worries Packer fans.  And no, to make me say this I didn't buy shares of worthless Green Bay Packers stock so I can frame the certificate in my basement bar - I would only do that for the Hartford Whalers.  Definitely not.

Saints.  In what is quickly becoming a bummer of an off season for the Crescent City Dodgers, the Saints are facing a bounty scandal AND the very tenuous business relationship with their star Quarterback, Drew Brees.  I'm afraid that this is not going to end well.  Definitely not.

Lions.  Matthew Stafford is a stud.  Definitely not.

Panthers.  Cam Newton is another stud.  Although, scrambling quarterbacks never win any big games.  In fact, they usually get their heads handed to them when they face a good team in the playoffs.  On the other hand, Newton has shown some flashes of brilliance in a really crappy offense.  Give him someone other than the decrepit Steve Smith to throw to and this guy could get 5,000 yards, too.  Are you hearing me Michael Vick?  Definitely not.

There are some other quarterbacks who are probably safe, but you have to wonder for how long and more importantly, why?  Tony Romo, Matt Ryan, Sam Bradford, Matt Schaub, Joe Flacco and Ryan Fitzpatrick are all safe, but they all still suck.  So there are only a handful of teams that don't need Manning.  It kinda makes me want to have my boys start throwing the football around.

My guess?  Peyton Manning is going to the Dolphins, probably in a package deal with Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison's collection of handguns.  Leaving the Jets at the alter, yet again.  Honestly, who would want to throw to Santonio Holmes 100 times a year?  Me neither.