Shaq Vs. Our Attention Span

Never in a thousand years would I have watched ABC's "Shaq Vs."  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy the occasional game show or reality series.  It's just that the Shaq Vs. concept is so strained and unrealistic, that I'd rather watch Man Vs. Food.  At least I can identify with that kind of competition.

Everything changed this week though.  Shaq is on my side now.  He's not the enemy, like he was in Orlando, Los Angeles and Miami.  He's not the washed up Hall of Famer either, like he was in Phoenix and Cleveland.  He's MINE.  He's OURS.  Good or bad, the Big Shamrock will be deadpanning his way to our hearts every night at the Garden.  The question that most concerned us right now was not what we were going to watch on TV, but whether we were going to watch Shaq Vs. Penn and Teller and Sugar Shane Mosely (not together, of course) or the Press Shaqference that we taped the same day. 

"What happens if Shaq gets knocked out?  Will he still play this year?"  my eight year old asked.

"I don't know.  It depends on how badly he gets hurt."  I deadpanned.  Although I'm not only one who gets my impersonation.  My question, is whether we'll know the difference since he's a little old, fat and slow when healthy, anyway.

"Can we watch Shaq get hurt?" my six year old chimes in, obviously thinking the worst.  I think no matter what my feeling is on the subject, I'll get out voted.

8pm.  Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, NV.  The anticipation is building in the JMR household.  This happens every time we watch the occasional MMA fight, too.  My kids are bloodthirsty, looking for broken bones and blood.  Trying to deflect all of the questions about Las Vegas and showgirls (they'll have plenty of time for that, except for you DLG!), I happen to notice that an old MTV Road Rules alum is one of the hosts - Kit Hoover.  She must be close to 40 by now, and it's starting to show.  Her original facelift needs to be tweaked a little bit, Bruce Jenner-style.  The only other thing I notice is that the hosts insist on Shaq being referred to as "Manny Shaqiao."  Between you and me, I think all of the play on Shaq's name has "Jumped the Shaq," don't you think?  Those of you reading this from New Jersey, yes, I am doing a play on his name too, I'm not teasing you.

To all of our disappointment though, before the big fight, we are forced to watch a ridiculous Shaq vs Penn and Teller skit.  Except for wondering what the "homeboy quarter trick" was, I fast forward this obviously painful time filler.  I made a "Shaq"tical decision, to coin one of Shaq's phrases.  Nevermind, on to the main event!

Prefight.  "Why is he sweating? He hasn't even started boxing yet."  Because he's old and overweight, I think to myself as I stick in my stomach a little bit so my boys don't notice ME sweating.  My six year old asks if any Celtics are going to be at the fight.  My eight year old tells him, like he's an idiot, that Shaq will be there.  I think he meant BESIDES Shaq.

Round 1.  A lot of punching.  Whether stooped over like an old man ((Shaq).  Or jumping like an overmatched child (Mosely).  We do learn that if Shaq loses, he will prance around the casino wearing a pink bikini.  Round 1 to Shaq.

Round 2.  To make the match more even apparantly, Shaq goes to his knees for a bit to fight Mosely at his level instead of using his reach advantage.  That was pretty funny - if he meant to do it.  Round 2 to Shaq. 

Round 3.  "Is Shaq wearing a shirt because he's too chubby?"  Needless to say that Mosely looked pretty good in this round.  Round 3 to Mosely.

Round 4.  More of the same.  Except I'm sure that Shaq told Kit Hoover, while she was trying to interview him between rounds, to get the Hell out of his face.  Maybe that just would have been me.  Round 4 to Mosely.

Round 5.  Shaq, I thought won this round with a little bit of vigor at the end.  It wasn't meant to be, however as Mosely wins the unanimous decision.  I wonder if the real contest involves who actually gets to win these contests during production - Shaq or his opponent.

*  *  *  *  *

No matter the outcome, I think my mission was accomplished - getting the kids interested in the Celtics and Shaq, specifically, since I think it's going to be an entertaining year.  They were, in fact, so interested that they wanted to keep the show on to see if he ran through the casino with a pink bikini on.  Bloodthirsty, I'm telling you. 

Although the Penn and Teller segment was painful to watch (even at triple the speed), I give Shaq Vs. a score of 83 out of 100.

photograph courtesy of ABC 

List of Top 8 Celtics Playoff Performers - Rajon doesn't need the Rondettes

29 Points, 18 Rebounds, 13 Assists, 2 Steals and +14 Net Points. 

Rajon Rondo's numbers from Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals certainly fill up a stat sheet - joining Oscar Robertson and Wilt Chamberlain as the only players to record that many points and rebounds with 13 or more assists in a single game.  Rajon Rondo even got LeBron James to talk about how he would love to guard RR in Game 5 (which as a Celtics fan, I would love to see).  But, one of the greatest games in Celtics playoff history?  Perhaps.  One thing is for sure.  Since the Celtics won the NBA Championship on that fateful day in 2008, Rajon Rondo has slowly emerged not only as the bridge to playoff basketball after the Big Three retire or move on, but he has also emerged as the undeniable leader of the current team. 

Putting aside the ridiculous "MVP" chants at Sunday's Game 4  (Uh, MVP of what - one may ask - since LeBron dominated the season?), has Rondo been playing the best playoff basketball in Celtics playoff history?  Here are the Top 8 Playoff performances in Celtics' history.

8.  Bob Cousy (1958-59).  19.5 points, 6.9 rebounds, 10.8 assists.  A true pioneer to the current style of wide-open NBA basketball - except for you Pat Riley. 

7.  Dave Cowens (1975-76).  21.0 points, 16.4 Rebounds, 4.6 assists, 1.2 steals.  Before he decided that a hack license was a more fulfilling career choice (imagine getting into a cab that Paul Pierce is driving), Cowens led the Celtics to their last championship pre-Larry Bird.

6.  Rajon Rondo (2009-10)  17.9 points, 7.1 rebounds, 11.4 assists, 1.9 steals.  That double pump lay up to behind the back pass to Tony Allen as LeBron James tried desperately to block his shot is the highlight of the 2010 Playoffs. 

5.  Bill Russell. (1961-62).  22.4 points, 26.4 rebounds, 5.0 assists, all world defense and uncalculated blocks.  I was considering putting Russell higher than 5th, but that would have defeated my point about Rondo. 

4.  Larry Bird. (1983-84).  27.5 points, 11.0 rebounds, 5.9 assists, 2.4 steals, 1.2 blocks.  I just liked that they beat the Lakers that year.

3.  John Havlicek (1967-68).  25.9 points, 8.6 rebounds, 7.5 assists.  I could have obtained more information on Hondo's numbers that year, but that probably would have required me rereading Bill Simmons excruciatingly detailed Book of Basketball (Soon to be available in paperback!!)

2.  Rajon Rondo (2008-09) 16.9 points, 9.7 rebounds, 9.8 assists, 2.5 steals.  I was apprehensive when the playoffs started last year against the upstart Chicago Bulls.  KG was hurt and out of the Playoffs.  Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, carrying the load for most of the season without KG, looked about ready to keel over like a 90 year old walking up the 18th Fairway.  Rondo had shown some slivers of brillance during the regular season, but could he lead a depleted and uninspired Celtics team in the First Round?  Like I said, I was apprehensive.  Well averaging nearly a triple double through the playoffs made me realize that Danny Ainge may have made the right move trading all of the Celtics' youngsters BUT Rondo back in the Summer of 2007.  (I don't count Kendrick Perkins, he's 34 years old).

1.  Larry Bird (1985-1986) 25.9 points, 9.3 rebounds, 8.2 assists, 2.1 steals, .927 FT percentage, .517 shooting percentage, .411 3-point shooting percentage.  The year by which all others are measured as the Celtics won their last Championship of the Larry Bird era. 

Admittedly, RR has some work to do to catch up to the Celtics' gold standard of playoff basketball, but it is crystal clear that he has joined the echelon of the Celtics lore.  And we certainly believe that he can move up this list.  As my son excitedly pointed out while we were watching the game yesterday afternoon - "Look at Rajon take the ball away from all those other big guys!!  He doesn't even need Garnett and Perkins to help him"  Watch out there, Larry.  Rondo's numbers can only go up when he realizes he doesn't need the Rondettes anymore.

This Is Not the Way to Teach Sports Terminology

"Hey guys!" I yell up to the boys excitedly yesterday afternoon.  "Come down here. The Celtics and the Red Sox are both going for sweeps."  They hurdle themselves down the stairs as if I told them that they could have ice cream for breakfast - not that I know what they do when they have ice cream for breakfast.

My five year old is particularly excited.  "What did you say about the Celtics?" He asks. 

"The Celtics are trying to beat the Miami Heat 4-0 so they can go on to the next round of the playoffs.  It's called a sweep."  Before they groan about having to clean up their rooms or the toy room, I start to explain the concept of the "sweeps."  I then explain that the Red Sox are also going for the sweep against the hapless Baltimore Orioles.  Although the season just started for the Red Sox.

My seven year old looks at me slightly amused and completely confused.  "They're still playing the Miami Heat?  Didn't they just kill them a couple of days ago?"  This might be a little tougher to explain than I thought.  Maybe I should go outside and mow the lawn.  "Who do they play if they beat Miami?"  He continues. 

"They will probably play the Cavaliers."  A collective groan emanates from the boys's direction, as if we should just annoint the Cavaliers the NBA Champions.

My 5 year old still doesn't get it even after the Cavs explanation.  "So if the Celtics and Red Sox both win, will they play each other?  Or are they both winners?"  I shake my head.  Undeterred, he then explains how he "swept" me in a couple of games of Around the World a couple of days earlier.  I let him win, by the way.  "What happens if they don't win?  Will they go home?" 

It's difficult for me to continue to explain this type of terminology.  Concepts like "sweeping" a team in a playoff series or a three game series in baseball gets lost when regular season or playoff structures are only understood on the most basic, rudimentary levels.  I do happen to convince them to sit down with me to watch the games with me, after their Mother agreed to let them come inside for a breather.  My seven year old agrees only so long as we don't watch the NFL Draft.  I'm about to tell him that I just wanted to see if the Patriots would select Tim Tebow when I instead offered not to watch any more of the draft.

Game 4, Celtics-Heat.  We pick up the game at the end of the First Half.  The Celtics were plagued in the First Quarter by turnovers (losing by as much as 17 points) but begin to turn things around in the Second Quarter to draw within 6 points at halftime.  The Celtics even pull ahead by 6 points as the 4th Quarter starts.  However, 46 points by Dwyane Wade - including 30 in the second half - was too much for Boston to ultimately overcome.  Heat 101 Celtics 92.  "Why is #3 talking to his hand?  That is so stupid!"  That was the one highlight from an otherwise excruciating game - Dwyane Wade screaming at his hand after making a couple of run-of-the-mill three pointers.  Oh, that and our five minute conversation about why Glenn Davis doesn't want to be called "Big Baby" anymore.  Count the three of us on the side of "Big Baby" versus "Glenn."

Game 3, Red Sox-Orioles.  As the Celtics game mercifully ends, I switch the Red Sox back on.  At 2-19, I'm thinking that the Orioles will be much easier to sweep than the Heat.  As I explain that to the boys, I'm reminded that I shouldn't jinx them.  So they understand jinxing a team or a player, but they think that the Celtics and the Red Sox will PLAY EACH OTHER if they both sweep their series?

This isn't going much better though as the Red Sox blow a 4-1 lead in the Seventh Inning, highlighted by a Miguel Tejada home run off Hideki Okajima to tie the game.  I would make a joke about Tejada's use of PEDs to muscle the ball over the Green Monster, but people in glass houses and all....  The Orioles then take the lead off in the 10th inning off the back of the Red Sox bullpen, 7-4.  A valiant rally by the Sox in the bottom of the 10th Inning falls short as the Orioles win just their third game of the season.  Orioles 7 Red Sox 6. 

It was an unsuccessful Sunday in these parts, as neither team could complete their sweep.  It's not the end of the world of course and my five year old summed it up perfectly.  "The Celtics are going to sweep Miami on tomorrow!"  Sounds good to me.

photograph courtesy of Getty images

The Cleveland Cavaliers Will Win it All

"The Cavaliers are the best team!"  Words uttered by my Celtics-loyal 7 year old the other day.

"What about the Celtics?"  I asked him thinking that perhaps he just forgot about his favorite basketball team.

"They're my FAVORITE team," he begins, "but the Cavaliers have Lebron James.  He's so awesome!" 

And so it goes.  Less than two years removed from their 17th championship, the Celtics, primarily the same team as that Championship team from 2 years ago, have seemed to have aged in something other than human years.  KG looks old and slow.  Paul Pierce looks old and slow.  Rasheed Wallace looks old and slow.  This 50 win team has actually had two distinctly different seasons.  A blistering 23-5 start that included a nice opening night win against the Cavaliers.  And a very mediocre 27-27 finish that included locker room chemistry issues, players tuning Coach Doc Rivers out and the Coach himself admitting that he'd rather be home than coaching the Celtics.  It has been frustrating to watch, actually .

Contrast that with the James-led Cavaliers, owners of the best record in the Eastern Conference despite losing their last four games and despite arguably their second best player (Shaquille O'Neal) has been hobbled all year and their fifth best player (Delonte West) is simply nuts.  They have steam rolled through the regular season and appear to be ready to claim their first Championship.

The question isn't whether the Cavaliers are a better team than the Celtics in 2009-10, but rather, can the Celtics win a series from the Cavaliers if they were to play each other?  A quick peek at the four most important factors for series play - Starters, Bench, Coaching and Hometown crowds - will help me decide (like I need to go through this know who would win).

1.  Starters.  These teams, incluiding  King James, are evenly matched to start the game. 

PG  Rajon Rondo vs. Mo Williams.  Adv. Celtics
SG Ray Allen vs. Anthony Parker. Adv. Celtics
PF  Kevin Garnett vs. Antawn Jamison.  Adv. Cavs
SF  Paul Pierce vs. LeBron James.  Big Adv. Cavs
C  Kendrick Perkins vs. Anderson Varejao.  Even

When the Celtics starting 5 are out on the floor together, they will stick with the Cavaliers for most of the game.  I predct this even in a grueling series such as this.

2.  Bench.  The beginning of the Second Quarter, when the benches begin to be cleared out, demonstrate Cleveland's superiority.  The Cavaliers showcase a strong bench led by J.J. Hickson, Big Z, Delonte West and a returning Shaquille O'Neal.  On the other hand, the Celtics "showcase" a listless Rasheed Wallace, porous defensive stalwarts Nate Robinson and Marquise Daniels, and a bunch of stiffs (with all due respect to Michael Finley who can still make the occasional 3 pointer and Glenn "Big Baby" Davis who is the only Celtic player to give any effort on the offensive boards).  Cleveland has a big advantage when the Second Quarter starts.  Any time the Celtics bring out a bench player, except for Tony Allen, the Celtics are losing not only scoring, but also swagger.

3.  Coaching.  A coach who doesn't want to be coaching any more versus a coach who shouldn't be coaching anymore.  Pick 'em, cause I can't.

4.  Homecourt Advantage.  Having just recently attended a game at the new Garden, the crowd had trouble getting going.  Between the lazy, disinterested play, all of the technical fouls that has become an epidemic for this team and the 17 previous banners, I can see where the crowd's boredom is coming from.  Conversely, the Cavaliers are a fun bunch of guys to watch, led by the boisterous and playful King James.  The crowd is desperate for a championship and you can feel it through the TV.  Even Shaquille O'Neal appears to be enjoying himself.  Couple all of that with the fact that the Cavaliers will enjoy one more game at home, and this can only be classified as a huge advantage for the Cavaliers.

Back in 2008, the Celtics needed 7 games and home court advantage to dispatch the young Cavaliers.  Since then, the Celtics have gotten measurably worse and the Cavaliers have gotten measurably better.  No need for 7 games if they play each other.  Cavaliers win 4-1.

picture courtesy of vernoncroy.com

The Worst Team in NBA History

You already know how this turned out. 

5-52.  The New Jersey Nets are the worst team in the NBA this year, no doubt about it.  But are they the worst team in NBA history?  The 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers, just a couple of years removed from winning the NBA Championship and trading Wilt Chamberlain, finished that year 9-73 - severely outclassing the tanking teams of the lottery era we see today.  Nine wins is an astounding amount NOT to win.   

But the New Jersey Nets are undaunted by this feat.  "Led" by a guy named Brook and a point guard who was outclassed in a famous you tube video last year, the Nets began the year with 18 losses and didn't win their first game until January 27, 2010, a full three months into the season.  Brook Lopez is leading the team averaging a 19-9 this year, but he really has been the lone bright spot.  What's worse, no matter how many losses they rack up, they will still only have a 35% chance of landing John Wall this summer.

A much needed remedy for the Boston Celtics you say?  With Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett nursing injuries, the Celtics could use an easy win after blowing a double digit lead a couple of nights before against the Cleveland LeBrons.  Pierce would be sitting and we're told that most of the locker room is fighing the flu.  That's okay though because this is quite possibly the WORST team in the history of the NBA.  Somewhere M.L. Carr is jealous.

1pm.  Boston, MA.  My 5 year old is really excited...to wait in line for popcorn and Sprite.  He willingly goes to games with me because I become "The Most Generous Dad in the World" when the kids are with me at games.  College or pro, exhibition or regular season, it doesn't matter, the food and drink take about 5 minutes to start flowing.  Luckily, he only started with popcorn and a hot dog, because this game would make both of our stomachs upset by the end.

It started well.  12-2 in the first 2 minutes.  I tried to ignore Kendrick Perkins and Ray Allen looking completely disinterested in warmups and the beginning of the game, because the Celtics had the early lead.  My son didn't notice yet because he was still knee deep in his bucket of popcorn.  "Are the Celtics winning, Dad?" he asks me as he finally looks up.   Not for long, I think.  A friend tells me that he has the Celtics -3 in the First Quarter.  I didn't even know you could bet on quarters.  "I think you might be in trouble."  I write back to him as the lead dwindles throughout the First Quarter.  In fact, that lead disappears into a 29-27 deficit.

You know how this turned out.  There were a couple of moments where the Celtics made the game close, particularly in the Fourth Quarter.  Even the crowd valiantly tried to make some noise, but really to no avail, as the Nets won their sixth game of the year, 104-96. 

This could dissolve into a "What's worng with the Celtics?" story, but my original question has nothing to do with the Celtics.  The original question is whether the New Jersey Nets are the worst team ever?  My eyes don't lie, the Nets looked hungrier than the Celtics, and they played with passion and determination.  They certainly weren't playing like the worst team in the NBA.  The fact remains though that the Nets have a couple of decent young players, but other than that, the team is devoid of value.  A lack of bench scoring, spotty outside shooting and weak reboundng usually don't lead to wins much less success in the playoffs.  I've witnessed some poor Celtics teams over the last 15 years in the aforementioned race to win the lottery.  Tim Duncan and Kevin Durant aren't walking through that door.  Sorry, this isn't dissolving into that conversation.  I never saw the 76ers play in that fateful season.  I've now seen the Nets play.  Are the New Jersey Nets the worst team ever?  No, they aren't the worst team in the history of the NBA. 

If you don't believe me, as we're walking out, my son asks me to buy a hat from some guy selling them in the snow outside the Garden.  He poured over the choices of hats - mostly Celtics hats, but some other sports and other teams too.  He ended up choosing a gold Bruins hat.  I think that tells you everyting you need to know about the Nets and the Celtics in 2009-10.  Sorry, I keep going back to that problem.

You already know how this turned out.  6-52.

NBA All Star Game - Effort with a Lower Case "e"

After getting home from my 7 year old's Saturday morning basketball game - a game in which he asked out of the game for a break because he couldn't breathe from running so hard - he asked me to play basketball with him.  Looking at my swollen knee from the last time we played basketball (I completed a beautiful spin move and dunked it over his head - fine, it was an 8 foot hoop and maybe he IS 7 years old, but the move was still the move), I suggested that we WATCH basketball instead.  My hope being that he would watch some desperate college teams hustling after loose balls and playing tough denial defense and learn good fundamental basketball.  That lasted for about 10 minutes until his buddy came over - all of sudden I was relegated to watching the Winter Olympics with only passing greetings from all of the children.

Later that night came the renewed request to play basketball outside.  Looking at the thermometer reading of 28 degrees and the lone lightbulb illuminating our driveway, I passed on that request as well, but with a compromise - go to bed early tonight and we can all stay up to watch the 2010 NBA All Star game tomorrow night.  If my boys were going to learn good fundamental basketball consisting of crisp passes, strong rebounding and strong team defense, the NBA All Star Game would be the place.


8:30pm.  Convincing my 5 year old that we are not rooting for the Celtics tonight is proving to be difficult. 

"But there's Rajon Rondo and KG!" he tells me.  "I want the Celtics to win! Do you Dad?"  "Why are they wearing blue instead of green?  Did they change their uniform colors again?"

"No the Celtics didn't change their colors.  Yes.  I want the Celtics to win."  I gave up trying to explain what an "All Star Game" actually means.  I'm too distracted by the Eastern Conference All Stars trying to dance in sync with one another during the player introductions.  I hope that he doesn't ask me about what just happened there or the fact that it's 8:40 and the game still has not started...too late.

My seven year old just tells me that Ray Allen should be in the game too.  "I'd put Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo on the team, but not Paul Pierce."  He's a tough judge.  Later on, he continues, "He's putting baby powder on?" about LeBron James' pregame ritual.  I don't bother touching that one either.

As the game starts and the Western Conference All Stars take the early lead, I hear the boys say things like "Bad pass!" "Why isn't he playing defense?" "East is doing horrible!" and the best one "Why isn't that guy running very hard?"  I don't have a very good response when they ask me why they don't want to win.  East takes the First Quarter, 37-34.

As the Second Quarter starts and continues, the teams trade interesting plays - no-look passes, fake passes that turn into keepers, alley oops and a strange bounce alley oop attempt by  Dwyane Wade and Rajon Rondo - all punctuated by my seven year old proclaiming "Why aren't they playing defense?  There are two guys standing right there!"  It makes for entertaining, if not fundamentally sound, basketball, I suppose.

In an open mic moment, we hear Lebron James exclaim that Paul Pierce is the best shooter in the history of basketball.  I know Pierce won the 3 point shot contest and all, and I put him in the top 10 of all time Celtics, but the best shooter of all time?  LeBron, sensing a playoff battle in Round 2 of the Playoffs, apparantly is amping up the hyperbole.

While the teams trade baskets and leads for the majority of the Quarter, the Eastern Conference goes into half time leading 76-69.  Craig Sager and his shimmering red tie approve.

As I explain Shakira's appearance (the TV channel couldn't be changed faster) and I break up a wrestling match, the Third Quarter mercifully starts.  A lot more of the same.  Alley Oops, uncontested coast to coast lay ups, bad passing and awful defense.  By this point my 5 year old falls asleep and my seven year old and I are getting bored.  Even a thundering dunk by LeBron James  at the 8 minute mark doesn't stir anything from us but a couple of sniffles - and that might have been the fake fireplace kicking on more than anything the all stars did.

Halfway through the Third Quarter, he exclaims after yet another LeBron James dunk, "They aren't playing any defense.  They're like, you're gonna get it in so whatever."  Do you sense a theme of this game and our reaction to it?  Even Kobe admits that this is "The greatest pick up game in the world."  I wonder what the schmoes who paid $5,000 a ticket think about his assessment?  The East ends the Third Quarter ahead 118-109.

Fourth Quarter.  While lasting longer than I thought they would, both boys have finally fallen asleep.  I think they will both be saying "shoot it!" and "block it!" in their dreams tonight.  While watching the Fourth Quarter by myself, I do have to admit that the quality of play has improved.  No more ridiculous bounce pass alley oop attempts (one was enough, Rajon) and players actually started going to the floor.  The intesity level reaches new highs as well, particularly when Chauncey Billips makes a little 15 footer to tie the game at 137 with 45 seconds left in the game.

After a couple of spotty fouls - come on it's the All Star Game! - the West has the ball with 5 seconds left trailing by 2 points.  Carmelo Anthony takes the inbounds pass and clangs a 3 pointer off the back of the rim, giving the Eastern Conference a 141-139 win.

Looking back, the three of us decided that the All Star Game was not an appropriate venue to learn basketball basics.  Defense was lacking, effort and hustle were sporadic at best and rebounding consisted of whomever picked up the ball from the ground after a missed shot.  Personally, I'd rather watch my seven year old's team battle it out on Saturday mornings.   They don't know alley-oops and behind-the-back passes, and I hope they never learn.

Orlando Magic Now Know that I Am Because We Are

When I booked our family trip to Orlando this December, I promised myself that part of the itinerary would include the Christmas Boston Celtics game with the boys against the Orlando Magic.  I love watching sports live to soak in the atmosphere and the sounds.  It was Santa's present to me - a reward for a grueling week of theme parks in and around Disney World.  Okay, I had just as much fun as the children on the rides, including It's a Small World, but it was still grueling.  I also wanted to bring the boys to their first NBA game for some male bonding.  Anyway, despite being awake since 4am because Santa foolishly bought all three of my children electronics for Christmas, we headed to downtown Orlando for what promised to be an exciting Christmas afternoon.  Maybe, just maybe, we could experience our own Ubuntu, just like the Celtics, and start chanting it at little league games.

Orlando, FL.  1pm.  Alright, I have just listed to "Just Dance" and "Fire Burning" ten times each.  Not the standard radio versions.  No.  My 5 year old's version of these songs, singing along at the top of his lungs with his Ipod.  I have to admit that he knew 75% of the lyrics, and the words he made up for the other 25% were amusing the first couple of times around.  But, the garage attendant knew I wasn't kidding when I told him that I would like to go around the cones instead of going around the block for another 15 minutes and gave me the "look around and hesitant nod" to go ahead.  By this point you might be asking why Santa got a five year old an Ipod.  Frankly, Santa is shaking his head in regret as I'm writing this.  In Santa's defense, his 7 year old brother also got one, and Santa figured that they wouldn't fight if they both got one.  Santa's stupid.

Thank God that I decided to take the electronics away as we parked because we were so early for the game that we had to wait for the doors to open.  I guess I've grown accustomed to the hassle of getting to professional sports games in Boston.   The wait was worth it though as we get to our seats and score three Dwight Howard Superman T-Shirts (great to wipe your popcorn mouth on), three sets of candy cane thunderstix and three programs.  Not to mention the 3 dollar hot dogs and 5 dollar beers.  This is great.  I love cheap food and drinks and swag.

As warm-ups began, I was debating trying to get closer to the Celtics bench since we had good seats, but on the other side of the arena from the benches.  As people began to file in and the boys were knee deep in popcorn and hot dogs, I felt that my decision was made for me.  Stay in the seats.  That turned out to be a mistake, though as two "fans" sat down in their seats right in front of us with their thunderstix already blown up and paddles that the guy next to me calls "Rally Racquets."  They were determined to enjoy their experience.  "Do you need those rally things because Orlando is always losing?" my seven year old asks.  Ha, that was a good one.  And people in Florida are too nice to be smart back so it was win-win.  Sadly, those words would be the last ones we all would utter without having to scream over the din of thunderstix and the Rally Racquets.  These racquets looked like the paddles that all the people in the climatic scene of Karate Kid II were beating when Daniel was about to put the beat down on Chozen. 

"Are they going to do that the entire game?" my seven year old asks.

"I hope not."  I look at my five year old for his reaction, but he's asleep at this point.

After a couple of more tidbits about the new Amway Arena being built down the street, and a couple of more laughs over Rasheed Wallace and the paddle people, the game starts.  Ugh.  Two minutes into the game we say goodbye to Kendrick Perkins until the second quarter as he draws his second foul of the game less than two minutes in.  This is just the beginning of some hurt feelings on both ends.  I'd be pissed too if I had to work on Christmas afternoon away from home, I suppose.  The game is also marked by poor passing and shooting, as well as rough physicality.  The Magic end the quarter leading by a point.  On the bright side, my 5 year old did wake up.  Good morning!

The Second Quarter looks eerily similar to the First Quarter, except that the Magic are not making any of their shots now.  The Celtics begin to pull away with four consecutive lay-ups by Tony Allen, Rajon Rondo (a personal favorite) and the aforementioned Kendrick Perkins.  The Celtics roll into halftime with an 11 point lead.  38-27.

"Will that person stop beating that drum, Dad?  Can you ask her to stop?"  My seven year old now has his hands over his ears.  I tried to explain the Golden Rule of sports etiquette.  I figured he was in CCD now so he might understand.  It goes like this.  Unless someone is using foul language or being destructive, let him or her do and say what they want, so they will treat you likewise when you do and say what you want.  If they ask you to stop, then you can legitimately give them a sideways look and say "Make me."  Just kidding about that last part. 

While I was explaining the "Golden Rule" to him, the lights dimmed for the entertainment we are about to experience at halftime.  Unfortunately, the halftime show was disappoining to say the least.  The game before, the show included Christmas themed slam dunk guys.  These guys led the local 11pm news!  And we were supposed to be entertained by six people trying to figure out a credit card puzzle faster than six people were to make 10 free throws?  I think my 5 year old would have fallen back asleep if the Magic's mascot hadn't swished a behind his back, three quarters court shot.  Now that's a highlight!    

Back to the game.  The phyicality that was bubbling in the first half started getting out of hand.  A hard foul on Rondo was followed by a right forearm to a beleaguered Kevin Garnett.  Even my kids were screaming that he was fouled.  The best part of this ugly game?  "Superman," midway through the third quarter has two points and four fouls (and a technical foul).  This must have been the Superman who gave up his powers to be with Lois Lane in Superman II.  Orlando cuts into the lead at the end of the third quarter, though, 61-53.

The paddles are now starting to drive me crazy too, so I furiously try to blow up the thunderstix we were given so I can slam them together everytime something good happens with the Celtics.  Points, rebounds, fouls, steals.  It doesn't matter to me.  My seven year old however is now fading into sleep; he must be since he's not the least bit embarrassed by Dad at this point.  They couldn't fall asleep on the car ride to the game?  So with 10 minutes left in the game, reluctantly, the male part of the clan begin the slow travel home. 

As we thank our parking lot attendant, get back onto the highway, and prepare for the torrential monsoon about to hit us, my seven year old pulls off his headphones and thanks me for taking him to the game.  We then talk about what his favorite part of the game.  "Well there were a lot of cool things, but it definitely wasn't that person banging the drums!"  My five year old realizing that we are having a conversation then pulls off his headphones and smiles his toothy grin.  "Thank you Daddy for taking me to the game!"   We all then keep looking for the scores on my phone, since I couldn't figure out how to get a local station to listen to the game on the Sirius Radio in our rental car.  Satisfied that the Celtics pulled out the win, we set our sights on Christmas dinner with their grandmother, thinking about the just-concluded adventure.

Oh yeah.  The title of this story - "I Am Because We Are?"

Ubuntu!

Check back on Wednesday as we go "Three Sheets to Epcot Center."

KG IS Walking through That Door - Celtics 2009-10 Preview

Depending on whom you ask, the 2009-2010 Celtics are either the first, second or third best team in the Eastern Conference sharing the top three spots with the Cavs and the Magic.  Opening the season tonight against one of their rivals, the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Celtics' position will immediately be tested.  Can the men of Green repeat the performance from 2007-2008, or will it be an injury-riddled year similar to 2008-2009?   

7:30pm.  Actually a beautiful view of the City of Cleveland, athough its amusing that Jacobs Field is lit up in the middle of October.  Please, those days are over, but thanks for wasting the natural resources to keep the lights at the baseball park on during the basketball game.  Also, I like Shaq.  I really do, but it's clear that the Real Shaq tweets from one of two places - Burger King or McDonalds.  The restaurants in the Flats better order some more supplies for after game dinners.  Oh my God is he large.

First Quarter.  Yes!  KG starts strong in the low post to get the first points of the season for the Celtics.  Looks quick for a 43 year old.  Unfortunately, the Celtics collectively look old and slow as Cleveland begins the game on a 13-2 run  The Celtics call a timeout to stop the momentum.  It may have been a technical foul, I don't know with this team.

In the span of one minute, we see what the Cavs are all about in 2009-2010 if LeBron ever gets injured.  Anderson Varejao flops in the paint and pops up crying, and Shaq scores his first points pushing Perk out of the way as he banks in a four footer.  Oh and by the way, that was a foul on Lebron James when he block Rondo's dunk attempt 8 minutes in.

Rasheed and his enormous afro takes his first of numerous ill-advised threes reminding me what it was like when Antoine Walker was jacking up his bricks ten years ago. Cheryl Miller immediately proceeds to tell us about Big Baby's problems with his injured thumb after he punches a former teammate.  What I don't understand is that Davis is going to be suspended, but Delonte West beats his wife, gets arrested on gun charges, fails to go to practice or to games and apparantly is just generally crazy, but they show him hugging some sycophant on the bench as Miller speaks in the background.  What's wrong with this picture?  Cavs 28 Celtics 21.

Second Quarter.  LeBron is on the bench and it shows.  The Celtics tie the game at 32 as LeBron daydreams on the bench about whether there will be enough cap space in Los Angeies next year.

I like the story of Doc Rivers instituting the 30 minutes window of silence on the team at practice yesterday because the players were getting too chirpy.  We institute silent time for our children when they get chirpy too.  Oh and by the way, in case you couldn't hear the guy on the Celtics bench...THREE SECONDS!  THREE SECONDS!!!

Wth three minutes left, we see our first in game interview with Shaq expressing his feelings about playing with the King.  Shaq acts humble about once being the best player in the world, but having to cede that title to LeBron James for the good of the team.  What a guy.  By the way, what the hell was that thing spinning in the background of his interview?  It looked like one of those insects from Starship Troopers.  Technical Foul Number 1 on the Celtics as Paul Pierce is called for an awkward looking travel/foul call.  Seriously, Doc needed a timeout for that play call?  Regardless, the Celtics rally from being down 19-5 in the First Quarter to being ahead 51-45 at halftime.

Third Quarter.  I probably was not the only one cringing when Shaq treated KG like a rack of Babyback ribs.  Nothing a couple of chest bumps can't sure.  I wonder what Danny Ainge was nervously laughin about after that exchange.  And please no more alley oops to Kevin Garnett.  Umm, please?

After seeing Shaq miss yet another bunny while LeBron is calling for the ball, I wonder how long before his minutes get reduced - Shaq's minutes, not LeBron's.  Celtics 72 Cavs 65.

Fourth Quarter.  I have to be honest, when Rasheed Wallace was on the Pistons, I hated seeing the random three point field goal with a hand in his face, despite the fact that he was a non-factor the majority of the game.  Now it's not so bad.

With seven minutes left, we have now entered the time of the game when LeBron spreads the floor and then drives to draw a foul - over and over again.  I love watching this kind of fundamental 1 on 5 basketball.  Oh wait!  Here comes Shaq with his first two free throws - "clang" "bam".   Misses both of them.  Almost as painful as watching Shaq's performance at the All Star Game last year with Jabberwocky.  In any event, the Celtics pull away from the pesky Cavs despite not employing the Hack-a-Shaq method of defense.  Celtics 95 Cavs 89.

Overall, considering Cleveland lost two games last year at home, this was a strong effort.  I was encouraged by the play of the big three - perhaps we'll see another Celtics-Lakers Finals?