Shaq Vs. Our Attention Span

Never in a thousand years would I have watched ABC's "Shaq Vs."  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy the occasional game show or reality series.  It's just that the Shaq Vs. concept is so strained and unrealistic, that I'd rather watch Man Vs. Food.  At least I can identify with that kind of competition.

Everything changed this week though.  Shaq is on my side now.  He's not the enemy, like he was in Orlando, Los Angeles and Miami.  He's not the washed up Hall of Famer either, like he was in Phoenix and Cleveland.  He's MINE.  He's OURS.  Good or bad, the Big Shamrock will be deadpanning his way to our hearts every night at the Garden.  The question that most concerned us right now was not what we were going to watch on TV, but whether we were going to watch Shaq Vs. Penn and Teller and Sugar Shane Mosely (not together, of course) or the Press Shaqference that we taped the same day. 

"What happens if Shaq gets knocked out?  Will he still play this year?"  my eight year old asked.

"I don't know.  It depends on how badly he gets hurt."  I deadpanned.  Although I'm not only one who gets my impersonation.  My question, is whether we'll know the difference since he's a little old, fat and slow when healthy, anyway.

"Can we watch Shaq get hurt?" my six year old chimes in, obviously thinking the worst.  I think no matter what my feeling is on the subject, I'll get out voted.

8pm.  Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, NV.  The anticipation is building in the JMR household.  This happens every time we watch the occasional MMA fight, too.  My kids are bloodthirsty, looking for broken bones and blood.  Trying to deflect all of the questions about Las Vegas and showgirls (they'll have plenty of time for that, except for you DLG!), I happen to notice that an old MTV Road Rules alum is one of the hosts - Kit Hoover.  She must be close to 40 by now, and it's starting to show.  Her original facelift needs to be tweaked a little bit, Bruce Jenner-style.  The only other thing I notice is that the hosts insist on Shaq being referred to as "Manny Shaqiao."  Between you and me, I think all of the play on Shaq's name has "Jumped the Shaq," don't you think?  Those of you reading this from New Jersey, yes, I am doing a play on his name too, I'm not teasing you.

To all of our disappointment though, before the big fight, we are forced to watch a ridiculous Shaq vs Penn and Teller skit.  Except for wondering what the "homeboy quarter trick" was, I fast forward this obviously painful time filler.  I made a "Shaq"tical decision, to coin one of Shaq's phrases.  Nevermind, on to the main event!

Prefight.  "Why is he sweating? He hasn't even started boxing yet."  Because he's old and overweight, I think to myself as I stick in my stomach a little bit so my boys don't notice ME sweating.  My six year old asks if any Celtics are going to be at the fight.  My eight year old tells him, like he's an idiot, that Shaq will be there.  I think he meant BESIDES Shaq.

Round 1.  A lot of punching.  Whether stooped over like an old man ((Shaq).  Or jumping like an overmatched child (Mosely).  We do learn that if Shaq loses, he will prance around the casino wearing a pink bikini.  Round 1 to Shaq.

Round 2.  To make the match more even apparantly, Shaq goes to his knees for a bit to fight Mosely at his level instead of using his reach advantage.  That was pretty funny - if he meant to do it.  Round 2 to Shaq. 

Round 3.  "Is Shaq wearing a shirt because he's too chubby?"  Needless to say that Mosely looked pretty good in this round.  Round 3 to Mosely.

Round 4.  More of the same.  Except I'm sure that Shaq told Kit Hoover, while she was trying to interview him between rounds, to get the Hell out of his face.  Maybe that just would have been me.  Round 4 to Mosely.

Round 5.  Shaq, I thought won this round with a little bit of vigor at the end.  It wasn't meant to be, however as Mosely wins the unanimous decision.  I wonder if the real contest involves who actually gets to win these contests during production - Shaq or his opponent.

*  *  *  *  *

No matter the outcome, I think my mission was accomplished - getting the kids interested in the Celtics and Shaq, specifically, since I think it's going to be an entertaining year.  They were, in fact, so interested that they wanted to keep the show on to see if he ran through the casino with a pink bikini on.  Bloodthirsty, I'm telling you. 

Although the Penn and Teller segment was painful to watch (even at triple the speed), I give Shaq Vs. a score of 83 out of 100.

photograph courtesy of ABC 

Welcome to the Wipeout Zone - JMR's List of 6 Favorite Game Shows

Listening for some music in my car one Saturday afternoon, I came across a fascinating piece on WBUR about Michael Larson, who "cheated" his way into winning more than $110,000 on Press Your Luck back in 1984. Not a lot of money these days, but back 25 years ago, $110,000 could go a long way.  In fact, when asked about his plans for the money, Larson's brother commented that he was going to invest it in some real estate projects.  Although real estate isn't what it once was, $110,000 is not going to get you that much these days.

How did Larson do it?  By watching, taping and rewatching show after show until he figured out that the Press your Luck board was lit in patterns.  Once you learned the patterns, I'm sure he thought, you could land on the squares that didn't have a Whammy.  Ingenious, really.  Watching the special on the Game Show Network on Youtube the other day, it was funny watching his precision by landing on the same two squares dozens of times in a row; finally passing his remaining spins when it appeared he was about to keel over in his seat.  I was talking to the computer (as I usually do) when the boys came up to me, asking me what I was watching.  They didn't seem that impressed as I was explaining the show and his strategy to them, but as they continued to watch Larson land on the same square time after time with the host Peter Tomarken incredulously asking Larson if he wanted to continue, the questions began.  What's a whammy?  Why is he passing his spins?  Why are their clothes so weird?  Then it occurred to me that these kids love game shows.

Which ones you ask?  Based on a review of my TV's DVR listings, the following are the six most popular game shows with six and eight year olds.

6.  Wheel of Fortune.  I'm not sure when the last time this show was watched, but there are 30 of these shows taped.  Pat Sajak and (I guess) Vanna White still host this show.  Ridiculous gimmicks make this show virtually unrecognizable to someone who hasn't watched in 15 years.  I can't put this game show any higher.

5.  Family Feud.  J. Peterman now hosts this game show.  Which is an improvement over Louie Anderson and the unfunny sidekick from Home Improvement, I suppose.  I still like this show if only to test my clicker reaction time if a double entendre or suggestive question requires me to mistakenly - yet quickly - fast forward the show past the offending question/answer. 

4. Brainsurge.  I don't know what this is.  But it's on Nickelodeon.  That's all I need to know.

3.  America's Got Talent.  The boys both HATE Piers Morgan.  "Why does he always buzz everyone?  He's so mean!"  I tried to explain that he's there to create tension - and that's he's English.  They didn't really understand what I was talking about except to know that I was saying "Dad" things again.

2.  Minute to Win It. We watched breathlessly this evening as the bartender from California was playing extreme quarters for $1 million - trying to bounce a quarter off a table and get it in a 5 gallon water bottle 15 feet away.  This isn't even the game show part; this is audience participation.  I know a couple of guys who could give that game a go, though. 

We watched the actual game show portion tonight and I can confirm (after watching, taping and rewatching) that the last guy, when the Diners and Dives guy asked him "Blueprint or Greenbacks?" He said "Greenbacks."  (They went to the next blueprint anyway.)  All-in-all, this is a great show because it gives us game ideas for our son's next birthday party.

1. Wipeout.  The Mother of all gameshows.  Ripped off from a foreign gameshow? Yes, absolutely.  But still the sight of out of shape non-athletes flying off of obstacles into the water at all angles entertains us.  We watch the same show over and over until the following week, when a new show appears on our DVR. 

The show is simple.  24 contestants are put through an obstacle course in the Qualifying round.  This round usually includes contestants who clearly don't care about winning (who are quickly whittled down) and contestants who are serious about winning the $50,000 grand prize.  The highlight is the obstacle known as the "Big Balls," which requires contestants to bounce across four red large rubber balls to the other side of the platform.  If anyone hesitates, he or she is moved onto the obstacle by the "Motivator."  Why these people don't know it's coming is beyond me.  The 12 fastest then move on to the next round, whittled down further, and then sent on to the final qualifying round.  Usually three people make it though the final qualifying round into this final round - known as the Wipeout Zone.

Needless to say, we are all enthralled with this show.  Between me laughing at all the poor saps who twist awkwardly into the water and mud, and the true athletic competition that begins in Qualifying Eliminator Round 2, we are all sitting on the edge of our seats waiting to see what happens next.  The Wipeout zone usually includes the contestants literally being launched into the pool.  From there, they must manage their way through a number of difficult contraptions, usually trying to avoid the shaving cream and suds that cover each obstacle.  They don't listen to our pleas to figure out the Gauntlet, which includes a puzzling Crank Shift and the Blade of Fury.  Why?  Why don't they listen to us?  Ultimately, we end each show cheering everyone on, asking each other who we think is going to win.  It certainly beats sibling fights.

I'm sure the Top 6 will increase as we go along this Summer, but I wonder who's going to win the Blind Date Wipeout episode that we're going to watch tomorrow morning, again?

photographs courtesy of gsnetwork.com and tv.com (via ABC)

Let the Paranoia and Plot Twists Begin - 24 Review

I'm starting to get paranoid - really paranoid.  Will it be the Russian mobsters?  Or the Islamic jihadists?  Perhaps the Chinese?  An insider in the White House maybe?  Tell the truth, Jack.  24 is back.  Your favorite CTU bad boy returns for another season. So what if he's 50 years old and on his death bed as a result of exposure to biological weapons in last season's bloodbath?  Keifer Sutherland puts down the commercial voiceovers and the Jack Daniels long enough to again lead the clueless President (Cherry Jones) and the off-her-rocker FBI Agent Renee (Annie Wersching) past the bad guys.  We have been promised a more human Jack Bauer.  I don't want to believe it, but I can understand that its getting tougher every year to pretend that Jack can actually kick anyone's ass at this point.  But really who cares - 4 hours of jam packed action is starting now.

The following takes place between the hours of 8pm and 9pm.  Events occur in real time.

In the office pool, I've taken Episode 8 as the episode when we discover who the real bad guy(s) are.  I may have gone a little early here. 

After a couple of guys are found dead and a shootout occurs, we cut to Jack lying the couch with his granddaughter asking him to put on a show (that's a familiar refrain).  I can't help to ask the question - Jack was about to die at the end of last year.  He even had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the Muslim cleric.  Now he's perfectly fine with a passing mention of his "treatment?"  Aren't biological weapons supposed to be pretty bad?  Lethal even?

The scene then shifts to President Omar Hassan from an unnamed Arab country readying an historic Middle East peace accord.  I suspect that an Arab splinter group is behind the trouble this year.  I do see that Hassan only lasts for 16 episodes, so this dude obviously dies.  (N.B. If a little IMDB research provides information from which one can deduce other information, I don't consider it a spoiler).  Now its time for my favorite Gatorade Commercial "I can float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee!"

We're back.  "Omar, people are starting to believe that you've been corrupted by the West."  Yes.  Us Westerners are bad, bad people with our indoor plumbing, good oral hygiene and big American TVs.  But maybe its true, since at the precise same time, an informant from some previous year starts telling Jack about a plot to assassinate President Hassan.

Trying to get all of the plotting devices in during Episode One, the camera then cuts to the newly revamped CTU.  Instead of calling the police, Jack calls CTU about the impending threat to President Hassan.  Chloe and her sad sack scowl is back trying to make some money since her wussy Scottish husband Morris doesn't want to step up to the plate.  She wrestles with the woman from Battlestar Gallactica for control of CTU's computer analysis center.  Figuratively.  When this information reaches President Taylor, she wants to take some time about whether to tell someone that he is about to be killed.  She sends her daughter off to prison for killing Jon Voight and ten she keeps silent on this kind of information.  Tough love this woman has.

Shoot.  I'm already wrong.  Some Russian guy just took out a CTU helicopter as Jack tries to get his informant to the authorities.  I guess the shooter is Russian, the accent was pretty choppy.  Kind of like actors taking cracks at the Massachusetts accent when they play one of the Kennedys.  Also, the blond reporter that is having a tryst with President Hassan just got off the phone with a menacing look on her face exclaiming "I know I'm behind schedule, but I'll get it done."  I am already confused, and that is a good thing.

I have to admit that I watched all four hours.  While this review is only for the first hour, I will make a couple of observations overall.  It appears that the unbelievable plot twists remain.  Freddie Prinze, Jr.?  Agent Renee Walker is going to be terrific this year, she appears to be absolutely crazy.  Plot line with the crazy red neck ex-boyfriend?  Just kick his ass Starbuck!

88 out of 100.  So far so good. 

Three Sheets to Epcot Center - A Picture Essay

In this photo essay, we go Three Sheets to Epcot Center.  We drink grape wine, rice wine, glauwein, Morrocan slushies, tequila and of course, beer.

Da da dum. Da da dum. Da da dum bum bum bum.  Every night in every city around the world it happens.  People poor into local watering holes to well...drink.  It's our mission to traverse the globe getting to know these different people and their drinking customs, bellying up to the bar, and with any luck, making some new friends. [For copyright protection purposes, I thank Zane Lamprey, et al for this introduction.  Thanks, Zane.]

6PM.  Orlando, FL.  We're on a limited budget.  Our staff was playing ISpy with their Grandmother and couldn't help us produce our essay.  What easier way to experience, in a technologically disadvantaged way, the local drinking customs of several countries within feet of each other than at the cultural melting pot of Disney World?  Armed only with our trusted camera (I forgot to bring the video camera), we scurried past the lines at the GM Test Track and Soarin' and made our way to the Countries of the World Pavilion to sample the delights from 11 countries around the world.  The theme park's late hours, however, were not tonight and we only had three hours to get in and get out.  Man and woman versus drink, so to speak.  Join us, as we go THREE SHEETS TO EPCOT CENTER!

MEXICO.  Our first stop on our suddenly quick journey through the pavillion was La Cava De Tequila.  You don't need to know Spanish to know that that loosely translates to "Tequila Cave."  MM started quickly with a margarita from Jose, our bartender.  And I had a cheap generic beer called Sola that was served in the same type of clear bottle as Corona.  Hmm.  Is Corona just the Mexican equivalent of Milwaukee's Best?

To be honest with you, I'm not sure that was his name.  All I know is that he was from Miami, Florida. 

To our surprise, we also met the foursome below who were experiencing the Countries of the World Pavilion along with us.  After looking at the Tequila shot plate in front of the guys, we asked whether they did all those shots.  "Really?" my wife questioned when they said they hadn't.  Then, uh, who did?  Whereas this was our first stop, obviously this was their last.  The woman on the left was doing a tequila shooter.  Luckily for us, we backed up after we took this photo, since she was a little "shaky" with the whole salt, lime and tequila shot sequence.

NORWAY.  The girls at the Akershus Royal Buffet at the Norway Pavillion were not amused by my question of whether there was a bar inside.  Even charming Norwegian accents didn't make the angry words "No sir, we don't." sound any less harsh.  Why couldn't the Tequila Foursome tell us to skip Norway?

CHINA.  No luck with a bar here either, but we could order a couple of Tsing Tao with our eggrolls and dumplings from the Nine Dragons cafeteria.  This guy was pretty psyched to have his picture taken.  He also was insistent on taking our picture.  When I looked at it the next morning, I just shook my head.

GERMANY:  Our first stop was to taste the Gerstacker Gluhwein outside of the pavillion.  It's spicy wine made somewhere in Germany.  More than one person told us to try this wine, so we were excited to taste it.  Knowing that we still hadn't hit the "Biergarten," we tried just one between the two of us.  What our bartender didn't tell us though, was that it was spiced wine served HOT.  I suppose if you are living in a cave in the black forest this might be an appealing alternative to freezing, but when its 66 degrees in Florida?  No thanks.  Needless to say, I will have a discussion with those who fooled me into trying this concoction.  The bartender's smirk says it all...another American tourist fooled.

So we moved on to what I truly thought would be the highlight of the experience.  A liter stein at the "Biergarten."  Wait, what, they don't have a bar and worse yet, they don't serve beer?  But its called the "Biergarten!"  Was I wrong to think that "biergarten" means garden of beer?  I'm told that they serve beer during Octoberfest, but that I need to go over to the kiosk over here

to get Paulaner Octoberfest.  Shouldn't Octoberfest happen everyday in Disney World?  Doesn't New Years Eve happen every night at Pleasure Island?  "They don't do that anymore." I'm told.  Oh.  So I begrudgingly order two beers.  The girls wouldn't let me pour my own, so I didn't (as far as they know), but my wife was still choking down her glue wine, so I had two beers for myself.  The guy behind me, who we started talking to while waiting in line, looked thirsty so I gave him my extra beer, so long as I could take his picture and make fun of him in my blog if I so chose.  Prost!

ITALY.  My bewilderment over the lack of beer in a place balled the beer garten was quickly replaced by excitement.

"Can you take my picture with that Disney cast member in the funny clothes hanging out by the fountain?  The kids would love that picture." I request as we make our way to try some Italian wines and Peroni in the Italy Pavillion. 

"I'm from Wisconsin, I don't work here." The guy answers as I put my arm around him. 

"Can we take a picture with you anyway?" my wife inquires.  Just imagine if this happened in Faneuil Hall?

We end up missing any beer but try some white and red wines from a very nice lady named Maria.  She was very subdued when her boss was around, but very outgoing when the boss went out to the back room.

UNITED STATES.  Just a beer at the Fife and Drum take out stand.  We enjoyed the choral concert at America Gardens, but how can you have much to say about a Budweiser?

JAPAN:  Another situation where neither of the restaurants had a bar or served any beer or sake.  Everyone pointed us back to the same kiosk that we had left minutes before.  "You see, I told you you'd be back." the nice lady admonished.  May I just pour my own sake and drink peacefully?  Thank you.

MOROCCO.  We missed Mo'rockin' but did have a Casa Beer and a "Sultan's coloda," which was a Pina Colada with orange juice in it.  The best part was that my wife could make her own drink.  Well she got behind the bar for the picture below, and I assume she made her own drink, but I was too busy reading the receipt that said we just bought a "refreshment" and a "slushie."  If your spouse comes back from a work-related trip and you find a bunch of receipts that say "refreshment" and "slushie," well you know what was going on on that trip.  Mmm.  That's one good slushie!

  

FRANCE.  As we moved on, to the last part of our journey, we discovered that were running out of time.  Luckily we were going to France next, so I knew that this would be a quick trip.  Either I wouldn't be able to take them or they wouldn't be able to take us for very long.  Surprisingly, we all had a great time.  We must have been their last customers of the day, since everyone was helping us.  Either that or they wanted to be a part of our Photo Essay. 

My tasting notes from the wine tasting were predictably scant, but I did note that the Beaujolais Nouveau was "a little sour with some cherry and rasberry."  It must have been sitting in that box for too long.

ENGLAND.  Finally, a bar to sit and have a beer.  I wish we could enjoy this more, but the bartender was getting tired (of us) and didn't want to make any more suds shamrocks on our beers.  He dispatched us to the restaurant to eat dinner.

 

Instead, we made our way over to the Canada Pavillion.  Thanks for the beers, my man.

CANADA.  Similar to Norway, there was no beer to be had, although we just assumed that since it was getting to be closing time, and nothing appeared to be open. 

So back to England for that potato leek soup which was a truly forgettable dining experience.

THE NEXT MORNING.  I had forgotten that the family was going to be up early the next morning to head over to the Magic Kingdom.  Because the sun was shining a little bright this morning, we needed to find a hangover cure.  And fast.  Luckily the line at Splash Mountain wasn't too bad because of the cool weather and we thought that the 50 foot plunge into ice cold water would be a great way to get rid of our headaches. 

Mission Accomplished.  A great time was had by all.  Perhaps some of the folks we encountered will remember us and our adventure around Epcot.  I can assure you that we will never forget (most of) it.

Check back with us on Saturday as we go "In Search of Tiger Woods."

JMR

Flashforward: Where Kangaroos Might Be Important

The first time I saw the preview for the new ABC series Flashforward, I tried to draw parallels with one of my favorite TV shows, Lost.  Unfortunately, I was also obligated to draw parallels with one of the most intriguing shows to come out in the last couple of years which would only suffocate by its own weight, The Nine.  Which would it be?  Welcome to the third installment of the JMann Review Television Review.

At first, I was excited to learn that ABC was deploying its Lost corollary - have one of the stars of Lost become one of the leads of a new show.  It started with Michael last year with the Unusuals and continues with Juliet in V (I hope the red dust and fear of water continues with her new show).  I was no longer excited when the Lost character getting her own show was Penny, who in our current show plays Olivia, the do-good judging doctor.  Just as long as she's not hopelessly sailing around the world bungling every chance to meet up with Desmond, I guess it will be okay.

Six months prior to April 29, 2010.  Of course, I forget to watch it when it premieres, but I had a feeling that I was going to have another opportunity to watch, so I wasn't worried.  And of course, it was replayed the following night.  The premiere starts with our heroes waking up to mass destruction and devastation in Los Angeles.  It's interesting to see how blacking out for two minutes caused everyone to run over pedestrians precisely at the right time, accelerate into parked cars at the wrong time, fly helicopters into buildings and so on.  If I blacked out, I would probably just slump over and stab myself with my pen.  Our heroes later find out that the destruction wasn't just relegated to Los Angeles, it happened in San Diego too.  Oh well, if it happens in Los Angeles and San Diego, then it MUST be a global event, they think to themselves (or was it just me sarcastically acknowledging California's importance to the world?).

Improbably, the FBI starts piecing the mosaic of mayhem together; they discover that they all were not sleeping but actually viewing themselves six months into the future and that they all were taken to the same date (April 29, 2010).  The FBI characters include Mark, one of the above named heroes who is clearly a loose cannon and recovering alcoholic.  Mark listens to everyone's irrelevant predictions and then declares that his premonition involved looking at all of the leads while in an alcohol fueled rage (I will no longer wear any friendship bracelets that my daughter gives me) .  One must wonder though, if he is so drunk, how can he have a flashforward of himself being blacked out drunk?  What would he actually remember?  Wouldn't he just remember sleeping in his work clothes with a nasty hangover in the morning, but nothing of the night before?  Well he's doing better than the poor sap who doesn't have any flash forwards, thus leading him to the conclusion that he was dead six months later.  Did he ever stop to realize that maybe he just won't be on the show in six months? The poor sap comes up with a good line though "This is crazy.  So we're running point just because he had a premonition that we were running point?"

The show began very strong in my view.  It did not try to cram the characters down our collective throats.  The special effects and the mystery will keep those interested in that sort of thing (like Losties) hooked for the foreseeable future.  And despite the fact that I find it hard to believe that a key character and possible bad guy would be attending a Detroit Tigers game during the black out, this was a strong effort.  What did you see?  90 out of 100.

Can Courteney Cox Redefine Cougars?

Going out on the prowl for guys on Thursday nights in their best leopard print outfits, drinking cosmos by the bucketful and leaving their teenage children at home with the barely-hidden liquor cabinet keys defines your typical Cougars.  Cougars are such a well known breed that now the term is applied to any group of 30 and 40-year-old women going out together.  It's an unfair moniker...

Courteney Cox, who makes me feel old even defining herself as a Cougar, tries to redefine this genre in her new show "Cougartown".  Sensitive, timid and awkward, Cox attempts to tell us that underneath it all, Cougars are just like you and me, and not the jealous, man-eating and aggressive women you and I see at the swanky bar at happy hour.  All this despite the fact that she figuratively "licks" a high school kid's chest while the boy' mother is within earshot, has a cleavage-baring real estate sign marketing her business and flashes teenagers on their bikes.  (Seriously, that never happened to me, not even remotely close to happening.)

9:30pm. My first assignment is to determine whether we'll see the annoying Cox (from "Friends;" admit it she smacked Chandler around to such an extent that I was actively rooting for him to leave her) or the interesting and smutty Cox (from the underrated "Dirt").  The first scene includes Cox looking in the mirror at the flab on her body - I can't help but think that the producers used a body double as Cox looks pretty toned in her flashing scene - this makes me believe that she will portray this character with subtlety.  Being only a half hour show; right now it's tough to make an exact determination of whether she'll be shrill or not.   However, I didn't hear any fingernails on the chalkboard in the background, so I am encouraged by that.

Despite my optimism, things begin to disintegrate quickly into standard formulas outside of Cox.  The show centers around Cox's character and the fact that after 5 months of being divorced, she's unwilling to have fun again.  Guess what? Her "fun" friend talks her into going out on the town, where her insecurities begin coming to the surface.  No worries though since she meets her boyfriend after spilling a drink on him.  The producers obviously want us to suspend disbelief though because the boyfriend stays at the bar despite the red drink spilled on him.  Not that I'm a fussy sort of fella, but I would have split - after she paid for my shirt, of course.  They immediately hit it off, so the formula dictates that the relationship goes into the dumpster, probably around episode 2.

Having even less fun is her son, Travis, who walks in on her Mom having sex with the said twenty three year old boyfriend, has to beat up the school bully with the aforementioned real estate sign and must eat dinner chips with, and acknowledge the existence of, his loser Dad.  Things are tough for the poor kid.  Besides the teenangster, the rest of the characters seem shallow stereotypes needed for a half an hour comedy.

Cox puts on a brave face so far.  However, the writing is thin and the characters need to be developed a lot faster than they have been so far.  No matter how you cut it. I don't see this one lasting more than one season.  I read that Scream 4 is in production, so don't fret for Courteney.  She'll be OK.  78 out of 100.

Melrose Place - Dr. Mancini is Back!

The original Melrose Place (1992-1999) introduced one of the greatest moments on TV. After Dr. Michael Mancini nearly kills her in a drunk driving accident, Kimberly Shaw returns to California seemingly normal and healthy. She doesn't seem herself, however. And at the end of her first episode back we see why. With Michael Myers music playing in the background, we see Kimberly rip off her wig and reveal an 8 inch scar on her scalp. She caresses the scar like its a new born baby. Soon after, anytime anyone wigs out, the joke becomes "so how long is the scar on YOUR head?"

While off the air for only 10 years, the promotional spot for the new Melrose Place wants the viewer to think that the original Melrose Place actually took place thirty years ago. Los Angeles, and particularly 4616 Melrose Place, has changed a lot, they promise. We'll see, but I hope not.

9pm. The opening credits roll with frenetic camera work quickly moving through a night club to a couple making out. The guy (please forgive me that I have not committed their names to memory yet - neither have you - I'll call him Chump) reads a text from a mysterious woman. He proceeds to tell all of his buddies that the woman needs help. No one really cares that much; where the hell are Billy and Allison, they would have helped!

We soon find out that the mysterious woman is the landlord of the new Melrose Place, Sydney Andrews. Of course, my first question is - wasn't she run over by a car and killed in the original show? I can't wait to hear the explanation. Will they ignore the fact that she was killed? Was her original death faked? Was it her sister Jane with long red hair and bad plastic surgery? It could be anything, I decide.

Never mind, her resurrection didn't last long, as the next morning she's found dead face down in the pool in a pool of blood. I guess Melrose Place needs a new landlord. Do you think Heather Locklear is doing anything these days?

Quickly, even for a nighttime drama, the Chump who went to see if she's was all right is questioned by the police, until another one of his friends comes to the station and gives him an alibi. The Chump's Father also comes to the "rescue" while driving up in the new Mercedes SLS. Wait, that's Dr. Michael Mancini! All right, now we're talking, although now I'm distracted by figuring out who the Mother is. Figuring the Chump is 25 years old, he was born in 1984. Michael got Taylor pregnant in the in 1998; it's not her. Perhaps it was Jane? If the storyline follows the new 90210 when we found out Dylan was Kelly's kid's Father early last year, we should find out who the Mother is shortly. I think this remains a mystery even throughout the first episode. I think Michael is talking to Jane on his phone, but it looks like he's sleeping with Jo. Or is Sydney his Mother? If it was Sydney or Jane, though, then the Chump was sleeping either with his Mother or his Aunt...maybe. By the way, Sydney's original death was staged with Michael's help. Same writers, I see.

The story then focuses on a couple of other storylines, a marriage proposal (Did she not notice he was filming her at strange times?), an aspiring filmmaker filming a movie mogul's family birthday party (What was he filming inside the house for anyway, all the kids were outside?) and a resident at the local hospital selling herself for sex so she can afford medical school tuition. (What Medical School has $5,000.00 tuition - even for a semester? Is it in Panama or something?)

Ultimately, it was a satisfying hour of television. Was it drastically different than the original MP? I'll let you decide after seeing these similarities - marrying couple that seems way to sweet to last, a guy on a bike, a creative type (writer vs movie maker), and a doctor with a bad side. So far, take away the cell phones and the references to Twitter, exactly the same. I still can't figure out Ella yet. And Ashlee Simpson. What can I say, except that I hope she lasts as long as Sandy did in the original show. Can't remember her? Exactly.

Review: 89 out of 100.