JMR's 2011 Basement Bar Hall of Fame Induction

If you know anything about the JMR Journal, you know that Halls of Fame are family friendly go-to destinations. Whether it be enjoying the confetti blast at the Hall at Patriot Place, or wishing Providence had a Sports Hall of Fame, nothing says sports history to our family like a Hall of Fame. But we're running out of destinations.  Not to be deterred, we (all right, me) have decided to create our own Hall of Fame in our basement bar.

Now here are the ground rules. Each of us, yours truly, MM, DLG, C and G will nominate one “person” to be enshrined in our JMR Basement Bar Hall of Fame. His or her picture will adorn our basement bar until 2012, or until we run out of room. We’re not Cooperstown for Christ's sake. There are no qualifications for enshrinement, and the lucky recipients of this honor don’t even have to be a real people (The Boxing Hall of Fame is getting jazzed up right now). Each of them will receive an official letter from JMR welcoming them to the JMR Basement Bar Hall of Fame and inviting them to the festivities on the First Saturday in May 2011.

It's a Man, Baby!

MM:  Chelsea Handler.  MM says she was torn between picking a hot guy (AKA Desmond from LOST, to commemorate the finale of her favorite show, okay, favorite character of all time. I've mentioned she saw him running without his shirt while our family vacationed in DC in 2009, and she nearly veered off the organized tour in pursuit.)  Then she tried going with a successful female sports figure of 2010, and thought maybe Venus, Serena or Maria (though as she tells me this, she appear hard pressed to come up with Maria's first name, never mind SPELL her last one), but none of them really did it for her.

So anyway, she went with Chelsea Handler, a stand-up comedienne with her own late night show on E! that she has beaten me over the head with for so many months of 2010, that I finally have been converted and actually even DVR it for us to watch in case we miss it.  She's funny, successful and likes the rappers.  Just like a younger MM.  And don't worry, I will have no impure thoughts as she adorns the walls of my bar -- since whenever I see her, I feel compelled to remark in my best Austin Powers persona, "It's a MAN, baby!" Good choice.

It was an honor just being nominated!

DLG: Spongebob Squarepants.  It was a choice between the dreaded yellow sponge and her stuffed animal named Torty. When I asked her why she picked SpongeBob she answered me in her own words "Because I love him! And because my brothers love him.  And he is great!!" She didn't notice my attempt to have her pick someone else to have a picture in MY Basement Bar.

G: Shaquille O’Neill: "I like fizzy water." G! focus! "OK OK. I want him to be in the Hall of Fame because he’s a Celtic, he’s big and 7 feet tall; he’s good and he’s a good singer."  If he ever watches Kazaam, Big G might change his mind about the singer part. And somewhere Kobe Bryant is wondering how is backside tastes.

C. Shoeless Joe Jackson. Dad has converted another one into Field of Dreams. If you ever want to see some man tears shed, put this movie on. We watched it a couple of days ago and I had to fight back the obligatory tears when Kevin Costner is playing catch with his old man at the end of the movie because he refused to play catch when he was a teenager. This movie even has me using words like allegory and symbolism like I’m a two-bit English professor. Oh yeah, Joe Jackson was a pretty good hitter in his day. And his legacy produced the funniest part of the movie when describing Jackson, Costner’s character eloquently states that while Jackson DID take the cash from the gamblers, there was no proof that Jackson actually threw any games. That doesn’t make him a good guy, it just makes him really, really stupid.   In C's words though he's one of the best baseball players in the world.  He had never heard of him though last week. 

JMR. Kevin Dineen.  I thought long and hard about this one. I had considered Hickory High’s 1953 basketball team, Wade Boggs (Did I tell you that I had 9 of his 1983 Topps Rookie Cards at one point?) and even the legendary crooner, Jimmy Buffett. But in the end, my first inductee had to be a Hartford Whaler. Now I could have chosen Gordie Howe, but after he wanted to charge me $40 for an autograph (and his book!) at the Hartford Whalers Fanfest back in August, I said “No thank you, Mr. Hockey.” I could have inducted Brendan Shanahan, but I burned his #94 jersey back in 1995, so I couldn’t forgive him that easily.

Ultimately, it came down to my two favorite players. Rick Ley and Kevin Dineen.  Ley was a star for the team when I was growing up in 1970’s and 80’s.  Growing up in central Connecticut - a stone’s throw away from where the Whalers practiced - I was lucky enough to have a Dad who did business with the team and the local rink.  I had the opportunity meet Mr. Ley, and receive an autographed stick, puck, hat, everything. By the way, I’m still pissed that I lost that stick. But there’s only one person who scored the last goal in franchise history and there’s only one guy who stood out on the ice at that last game cheering the fans and throwing things to us. And there’s only one guy who, while he was trying to leave the aforesaid Whalers Fanfest, stopped what he was doing, signed my daughter’s poster and asked if she was a Whalers fan. (She shook her head no, but only because she didn’t know what the Hell he was talking about). For that, Kevin Dineen is my choice for the 2011 Class of the JMR Basement Bar Hall of Fame.

Now I know we aren’t talking about Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Christy Mathewson, Honus Wagner and Walter Johnson here, but we’re not the BBWAA either. Come back to see the letters that were sent to each of inductees. And yes, I have no idea how I am going to get letters to Joe Jackson and Spongebob, but I’ll find a way.

LeBron James and Dwyane Wade Aren't Villians in this House

In perhaps the most anticipated regular season game in NBA history, The Miami Heat and the Boston Celtics are tipping off tonight in the Opening Game of the 2010-11 NBA Season.  A lot of people are rooting against the Heat tonight.  Mostly because of the new Big Three.  But are Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh really villians?  They are a couple of young kids who wanted to play together and win a championship.  I think if I had the same choice, I would want to play with my friends in the hope of winning a championship too.

Tonight, we are going to see what everyone has to say about the Big Three except for me.  I think you already know how I feel about this.  The score doesn't really matter tonight.

Craig Sager: "This is the most anticipated game in NBA history...they had to cut off the press passes at 500 which is twice as many as usual for opening night games."

Marv Albert:  "This is the hottest regular season opening night ticket in Celtics' history."

G: "Who's playing again?"  Are you kidding me?  Although now he's asking who everyone is.  Apparantly, everyone is Paul Pierce to him.

C:  After a wayward pass by KG nine minutes into the game: "He is the worst player ever!"

G:  "How big is Chris Bosh?  Is he bigger than you Dad?"  Yes.  He is much bigger than me.

Mike Fratello:  "Pat Riley said this was a work in progress.  You can't bring in this many new faces and expect them to be as good as three or four months down the road."  Unless they include three possible MVPs

Jermaine O'Neal is following up on his putrid NBA playoffs with a brick from 15 feet.  Sorry, I said I would talk.

G:  "Big Baby has a mohawk.  Can I get a mohawk?"  I then tell him not until the summer, hoping that he doesn't remember that I did not say no.

Steve Kerr:  "Both of these teams are going to be outstanding by the time you get the midseason it will be tough to get a shot off them!"  Miller exudes this as the First Quarter ends 16-9

Craig Sager:  "How is the experiment going?"  Sager asks Eric Spoelstra this as his team scores 9 points in the First Quarter.

C:  "They've only gotten 13 points in 17 minutes?  I thought they were going to be good."

G:  "LeBron James commercial is pretty cool, Dad."  Should I accept my role as a villian...should I just disappear?

Marv Albert:  "There should be a rule that head coaches should not be able to stand.  You block the views of announcers."

Stated the dimunitive Fratello:  "That usually wasn't a problem when I was coaching."

G:  "Oh the mini guy just got a slam dunk.  The mini guy is good!  Oh look Kevin Garnett got the steal and then he passed it to the mini guy and the mini guy just scored."

Marv Albert:  "Miami's big three - James 2 of 7, Wade is 2 of 9, Bosh 1 of 7."

G:  "What happened to Bosh's hair?  He used to have hair down to here [pointing to his shoulders], now he has it to here [pointing to his forehead]."

G:  About Shaq... "He looks old!"

Steve Kerr:  "The one thing the Celtics hasn't done well tonight is take care of the basketball."

Craig Sager:  "That half was atrocious.  With this kind of talent this offense is unheard of."  Perhaps LeBron indeed left his talents on South Beach.

C:  "Rondo looks young compared to everyone else on the team out there."

Steve Kerr:  After a questionable blocking call..."You almost give him the call because of his reputation."  Wouldn't that mean that James doesn't get the call?

C:  "Don't be a ball hog!"  Who do you think he's talking about in this game?

G:  About Lebron James "What's on his tooth?  Meatballs?

JMR, G and C:  After watching the baby in traffic commercial "[Giggles]"

Marv Albert as Pierce comes back into the game: "Pierce always has a flair for the dramatic."  And we're reminded when Pierce came back into a playoff game after leaving the game in a wheelchair.  Garbled stories there, I think.

Steve Kerr about Pierce after hitting a three pointer "He just mouthed the words get me open."  Here we go, it's time for the truth!

G:  "Why am I so excited?"  Is it because its a close game and you're staying up late? "Oh yeah because it's almost time for my halloween party!!"  We were close.

The Crowd:  "Overrated!  Overrated!  Overrated!"

Oh yeah, the Celtics win.

Shaq Vs. Our Attention Span

Never in a thousand years would I have watched ABC's "Shaq Vs."  Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy the occasional game show or reality series.  It's just that the Shaq Vs. concept is so strained and unrealistic, that I'd rather watch Man Vs. Food.  At least I can identify with that kind of competition.

Everything changed this week though.  Shaq is on my side now.  He's not the enemy, like he was in Orlando, Los Angeles and Miami.  He's not the washed up Hall of Famer either, like he was in Phoenix and Cleveland.  He's MINE.  He's OURS.  Good or bad, the Big Shamrock will be deadpanning his way to our hearts every night at the Garden.  The question that most concerned us right now was not what we were going to watch on TV, but whether we were going to watch Shaq Vs. Penn and Teller and Sugar Shane Mosely (not together, of course) or the Press Shaqference that we taped the same day. 

"What happens if Shaq gets knocked out?  Will he still play this year?"  my eight year old asked.

"I don't know.  It depends on how badly he gets hurt."  I deadpanned.  Although I'm not only one who gets my impersonation.  My question, is whether we'll know the difference since he's a little old, fat and slow when healthy, anyway.

"Can we watch Shaq get hurt?" my six year old chimes in, obviously thinking the worst.  I think no matter what my feeling is on the subject, I'll get out voted.

8pm.  Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas, NV.  The anticipation is building in the JMR household.  This happens every time we watch the occasional MMA fight, too.  My kids are bloodthirsty, looking for broken bones and blood.  Trying to deflect all of the questions about Las Vegas and showgirls (they'll have plenty of time for that, except for you DLG!), I happen to notice that an old MTV Road Rules alum is one of the hosts - Kit Hoover.  She must be close to 40 by now, and it's starting to show.  Her original facelift needs to be tweaked a little bit, Bruce Jenner-style.  The only other thing I notice is that the hosts insist on Shaq being referred to as "Manny Shaqiao."  Between you and me, I think all of the play on Shaq's name has "Jumped the Shaq," don't you think?  Those of you reading this from New Jersey, yes, I am doing a play on his name too, I'm not teasing you.

To all of our disappointment though, before the big fight, we are forced to watch a ridiculous Shaq vs Penn and Teller skit.  Except for wondering what the "homeboy quarter trick" was, I fast forward this obviously painful time filler.  I made a "Shaq"tical decision, to coin one of Shaq's phrases.  Nevermind, on to the main event!

Prefight.  "Why is he sweating? He hasn't even started boxing yet."  Because he's old and overweight, I think to myself as I stick in my stomach a little bit so my boys don't notice ME sweating.  My six year old asks if any Celtics are going to be at the fight.  My eight year old tells him, like he's an idiot, that Shaq will be there.  I think he meant BESIDES Shaq.

Round 1.  A lot of punching.  Whether stooped over like an old man ((Shaq).  Or jumping like an overmatched child (Mosely).  We do learn that if Shaq loses, he will prance around the casino wearing a pink bikini.  Round 1 to Shaq.

Round 2.  To make the match more even apparantly, Shaq goes to his knees for a bit to fight Mosely at his level instead of using his reach advantage.  That was pretty funny - if he meant to do it.  Round 2 to Shaq. 

Round 3.  "Is Shaq wearing a shirt because he's too chubby?"  Needless to say that Mosely looked pretty good in this round.  Round 3 to Mosely.

Round 4.  More of the same.  Except I'm sure that Shaq told Kit Hoover, while she was trying to interview him between rounds, to get the Hell out of his face.  Maybe that just would have been me.  Round 4 to Mosely.

Round 5.  Shaq, I thought won this round with a little bit of vigor at the end.  It wasn't meant to be, however as Mosely wins the unanimous decision.  I wonder if the real contest involves who actually gets to win these contests during production - Shaq or his opponent.

*  *  *  *  *

No matter the outcome, I think my mission was accomplished - getting the kids interested in the Celtics and Shaq, specifically, since I think it's going to be an entertaining year.  They were, in fact, so interested that they wanted to keep the show on to see if he ran through the casino with a pink bikini on.  Bloodthirsty, I'm telling you. 

Although the Penn and Teller segment was painful to watch (even at triple the speed), I give Shaq Vs. a score of 83 out of 100.

photograph courtesy of ABC