Sunday, December 18, 2011

Tim Tebow Meets the New England Patriots - Pats Fans Rejoice

Tim Tebow is finally going to play with the big boys.  After games against the pitiful likes of the Vikings, Chargers and Cutler-less Bears, Tebow is meeting the "bend but only kinda break" defense out of New England.  Sure, the Patriots start a wide receiver at Safety and have another wide receiver come in on passing downs.  And yes, I would pound the over and the Broncos in this game (Brady not only has a losing record against the Broncos, but he has a 1-6 record against Denver, lifetime).  But every Patriots fan I've spoken to is calling for a rout.  I'm not sure about it myself.

First Quarter.  Tebow keeps the ball for two of Denver's first three plays.  Apparently, Denver's strategy will prominently feature "Tebow up the middle," "Tebow left" and "Tebow right." And not three seconds after I write that, I hear boom, bang, boom, McGahee and Johnson both break 20 yard runs; maybe the Broncos don't need Tebow, dammit.  But after Tebow breaks a couple of tackles for the Touchdown, I realize that maybe the Patriots' defense is just God-awful.  To make matters worse, Tebow sends a prayer up to the heavens, teammates surround their savior and Denver fans start taunting the Patriot Defense.  Great.  I can't wait for Simms and Nantz to start telling us how awful the Patriots' defense is.  CAN'T WAIT.  Now I'm wondering how into this game the Patriots are as they try to run a missed PAT back.  Uh guys, you can only do that in college.  My seven year old told me that.

Way to shut the Broncos' fans up as Aaron Hernandez goes for 45 yards on a third and long situation.  Tebow kneels down in prayer.  Chad Ochocinco then catches at 40 yard bomb for a touchdown!  Tebow then kneels down with both knees.  Ochocinco celebrates like he just caught his first touchdown pass, oh right - better late than never.  My screaming and yelling prompts C to come down.

"You're so loud when it comes to that stuff, Dad."  He has a smile on his face, too.  He hates Tebow, just like me.

But literally before I can retort, Tebow leads the Broncos onto another score to make the score 13-7.  This is going to be a long game if we can't stop these guys.  But if they keep up with the wide receiver option, we'll have a chance.

Second Quarter.  After a Denver Field Goal (I would have gone for it on fourth down, myself there) made it 16-7, New England answers with a Hernandez touchdown after Wes Welker's diving catch for a touchdown was overturned on the subsequent replay.  And after a Ninkovich recovered fumble on the ensuing Denver possession, Belichick confounds us all for not challenging the Hernandez non-catch and goes for the field goal to make it 17-16 Patriots.  I would have risked the time out there, but a lead is a lead.  And the Patriots have gone on for 10 unanswered points.

Another takeaway!  Tebow fumbles the ball on a poorly executed pitch and gives the Patriots the ball back again in Denver's territory.  A couple of plays later Brady scores on a keeper to make it 24-16, throwing his shoulder out with his emphatic ball spike (Tom, leave the exaggerated ball spiking for the meatheads.).  I can barely keep up with the back and forth action.  And after a muffed punt for the third second quarter turnover, the Patriots kick the FG and take a 27-16 lead into halftime.  Dare I say that Tebow has us right where he wants us?

Third Quarter.  The Third Quarter is much quieter.  The highlights were a scrambling Tebow running right into Mark Anderson for 10 yard sack coming from his backside.  I openly cheered when that happened, Like this guy gave me the finger at a stop light or something.  And Danny Woodhead (with a big assist from the offensive line) scampers in for a 10 yard touchdown.  Patriots 34-16.  27 unanswered points.  Tebow wishes Jesus was REALLY in the locker room now.

Fourth Quarter.  I don't know how the game can get any more exciting, but here we are in the middle of Tebow time.  Will he be able to lead the Broncos to the comeback?  Well, the First play of the Fourth Quarter is an almost sack for a safety, an almost fumble for a touchdown and ultimately an incomplete pass from Tebow. Denver Punt.  The Patriots seem complicit in the Tebow show though as Tom Brady gets pummeled into the ground by Elvis Dumervil for an 8 yard sack.  New England Punt.

And right on cue, here we go again.  Tebow completes a couple of long passes just before he scores on a QB keeper to pull the Broncos within 11 points.  Jesus Christ, this is killing me.  He's not really going to do this, is he?

Thankfully, my prayers were answered.  as Rob Gronkowski starts to Hulk up on his 38 yard catch and run to put the Patriots immediately back into field goal position.  Hernandez with a couple of long catches and runs himself leads to BenJarvis Green Ellis 2 yard touchdown run.  Tebow is shown on the sideline with a bewildered look on his face (this isn't supposed to happen to me!?!).  Welcome to the Belichick show, prayer boy!  And things are looking really bleak for Tebow as he scrambles himself into a 29 Yard sack!  Welcome to the big time you poor-passing Jesus freak!  Game is finally over.  We have the ball with 4 minutes left and an 18 point lead.  I think this game is over.

Annnd, I'm right.  Mercifully for Broncos fans, the game ends with the Patriots winning by a lopsided margin, 41-23.  Always the one able to summarize things quite succinctly, G, who was asleep during the entire second half, rouses himself at the end of the game, looks at the score and declares very simply:

"Tim Tebow stinks."

And Denver fans all start to shudder at the thought.

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